Sachin Will Retire only if Mayan Prediction is True!!

Sachin Tendulkar, the Indian God of Cricket has spoken exclusively to our news correspondent Jhol Pandey(Half brother of Chulbul Pandey). Our news reporter was supposed to fly back to India from an “Air Australia”(AA) after completing live reporting of the World Kho Kho Cup (India bottomed out here too and Ireland won the trophy), but as AA went bankrupt, our correspondent decided to cover the Commonwealth Bank series, between India, Australia & Srilanka.  our correspondent luckily found Sachin in the airport trying to practice cricket on his iPad, with a game of Defend the Wicket (not the one between your legs).

This is what Sachin had to tell to our Jhol Pandey:

Jhol Pandey: You are currently going through a rough phase, many former cricketers want you to retire. How do you feel about your cricket.

Sachin: Yes, I am going through a rough phase, see I have been unable to defend my wicket for long time. But I am practicing hard to ensure that I don’t make mistakes. I am even practicing in this airport.

Jhol : But I thought you were playing a video game?!!

Sachin: See (Showing his iPad), I am honing my skills in Defend the Wicket, Most of our bowlers practice batting by playing this game.

Jhol: (Surprised) Does it really help?

Sachin: Yes it really does, take note of our most recent matches our teams tail have performed better than our top order. And there was someone back home who had commented “India’s best batsmen are the Bowlers”, so I am following a bowlers regime to safeguard my wicket.

Jhol: How do you rate MSD, captain of the team.

Sachin: He is cool, he so cool that he thinks he can win all the matches in last-minute. He is usually hungry when he lands up on the pitch eats away 20-30 balls, with this new-found cherry energy he takes on the bowlers.

Jhol: But is he successful all the time?

Sachin: Nope, 70% of the times we lose because he has eaten away lots of cherries and others don’t have enough cherries if he doesn’t click.

Jhol: What about performance of Shewag?

Sachin: He is very quick, he goes back to pavilion much faster than the delivery of Brett Lee.

Jhol: What about Gautam?

Sachin: He would be a very good fielding coach, he is good at practice catches and especially the ones at gully are lucky.

Jhol: How is Raina keeping up with this tour?

Sachin: He is learning a lot, especially how not to play in bouncy tracks, I would be happy to see him settled here rather than India. Atleast than he would be able to score of a bouncer.

It was fantastic that I found this pic, the one which I was thinking. Thanks to satish Acharya

Jhol: What about player rotations?

Sachin: MSD has thought about saving the Indian players from the gruelling schedules. And want them to perform in tough matches, Like in coming IPL

Jhol: How do you feel about Ponting being dropped  from Australian squad?

Sachin: I would request the Selectors of Australia to reconsider their decision, and also request them to handpick all the players who would play like Ponting.

Jhol: Why is that, was Ponting close to you?

Sahcin: Have seen the scores of Ponting in this ODI series, if all the 11 players have similar scores than Victory will be definitely ours, don’t you understand my plan. (Jhol is shocked with this fantastic plan)

Jhol: Are you planning to retire?

Sachin: I am very young, in fact younger than Rahul Gandhi, he is a youth Icon. And I can definitely play until Rahul is the youth icon of India.

Before Jhol could go further with his question, call for Sachin’s flight announced and he had to leave in a hurry, but promised to give some time for Jhol in future.

So here ends the edition of Bakwaas News, Jhol Pandey signing off.

Funny Dumping Tips

I have seen loads of articles on pick-up lines, proposals, etc etc. But very rarely I have seen someone posting any thing about dumping one.

Love is like weight, you can gain it easily but to loose, that too unwanted is very difficult and it needs loads of effort. Here are some funny dump lines, these should be as effective as pick-up lines, if any one wants to give it a try.

1. Answering machine: “Hi, I’m not home right now, If you’re Jerry/Jenny, hang up, if you are any other available male/female, press two now.”

2. Oh, hi Julie…err…Amanda? Judy? Oh, I remember now, its Cindy, right? Tanya? Does it start with a ‘T’? (Ladies can use other imaginary names)

3. “Help, I’m an idiot. I can’t see you anymore!!!” (And run away)

4. Burning gasoline on your front lawn spelling out “IT’S OVER. I’M LEAVING YOU FOR YOUR LAST EX”.

5. For women: I’ve been thinking about us getting married. For men: Does your friend have a boyfriend? (Keep on staring at the friend)

6. Here’s the phone number of my doctor, I think you and he should talk….

7. Send a dozen dead roses with a note: “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’d rather be dead than continue seeing you!”

8. Thank you for taking the time to participate in this survey

9. “Don’t forgive, dump me!”

10. Look at my horoscope! “…a new love in your life…” Well, gotta follow my guiding star…

*As you have read this article, you have entered a contract with Devil and you must use this extra-ordinary knowledge.

And the result of such usage must be published as comments.

enjoy maadi!!

I can walk English!!

English is a phunny language and I can prove it (as though none proved it earlier). I was helping my nephew the other day (vacation school work), write some of the words its quite difficult for him. Here are some of the words that were given to him and this is what he wrote:

Word                                                                                      What my nephew wrote (My reaction)

Chimpanzee                                                                             Chimpanzee   (he got it right or did I pronounce incorrectly)

China                                                                                          Chaina (he knew spelling of “Chain” and added “a” to it, so china was right there)

Chicago                                                                                      Shikago (I was devastated, how could he be so wrong)

Psychology                                                                              Saikologi (I was stupefied now)

Enough                                                                                      Enuf (uff, I am tired)

Confusion                                                                                 Konfusion (Why this “K”)

Rough                                                                                        Ruff (Now Dennis is here)

Dairy                                                                                          Dieri (Death by ridicule)

Wonderful                                                                               Vanderful ( I am amazed)

Laughter                                                                                  Lafter (My stomach pains)

Cucumber                                                                               Kukamber (I have to cool off now)

I spent another half of the day trying to correct him, he was surprised by the amount of mistakes he did. But it isn’t his mistake its the common problem with English, and it increases if its second language for one.

When I was writting this, I rememebered a Bollywood movie had a funny sequence in it: “I can talk English, I can walk English, and I can laugh English because English is a very phunny language.”

Mom Change the Channel – III

From last few months I have been facing continuous torture of bearing the TV serials, Week days my mom who is hooked to TV and on Weekends its my sisters who watch them. That means I am the one who has to go through continuous head ache while I am at home. I had to watch some of this shit last week, due to my illness and issues with my lappy. I found a very interesting way to beat the torture, while I watched on episode, I gave a tag line to it. Here it is:

Bade Ache Lagthe Hain – Bade Bache Hain

Sasural Simar Ka – Par Pati Kaun Iska

Iss pyaar ko kya naam dhoon –  Sarr dard

Ruk Jaana Nahi – Wapas nahi aana

Pratigya – Dekhna nahi

Saathiya – Tumne kya kiya

Sasuraal Gendha Phool – Kaano Mein Lagao

Deeya Aur Baathi hum – Ladoo Wapas nahi karenge

Yeh rishta kya kehlatha hai – Jayez yaaa

Navya -Gayab ho ja

There are a few more, which I haven’t watched, but surely will update them soon.

iTribute to Steve Jobs: The Serpent who distributed Apple

Most of the people in the world believe that God created human’s in his own image, God first created Man and he didn’t want him to be alone and created woman. And he forbid them eating the fruit in the garden. But the serpent provoked them to eat it. The fruit was Apple, fruit of knowledge. They ate and this world is filled with 7 Billion+ Adams and Eves.

Technology was something similar, it was a restricted section to common people, which were supposed to enjoyed by Geeks, Scientists, astrologers, etc. But their emerged the serpent, who is famously known as Steve Jobs, who revolutionized technology to become part of household. I am definitely wrong in depicting or suggesting Jobs is to equivalent to Serpent, but both stood for one thing : Knowledge (I definitely know Jobs is real and Serpent is a myth).

Recently I read two books which were related to Apple & Steve Jobs and was impressed by the way he has grown from a fakir to a messiah of Technology. The main factor to Steve’s success was his brilliance in being a “Salesman”, the job requirement of a salesman is to sell the things that people want and as well to sell them which they don’t want. In first few years Jobs did both of these and was very successful. But his second innings with Apple was completely different, he sold Ideas to people, ideas which were never imagined earlier. His desire for simplicity and perfectionism is the reason why Apple grew from strength to strength and has become the Top company in the world.

Lets hope his child, Apple comes up with some innovative and game changing products in future. I wish Steve Jobs was here, but he isn’t, still we could celebrate his brilliance on his birthday: 24th February. Happy Birthday Steve Jobs!!!

Shit Indian Politicians Say!!

People know this but, I am re-wording some of them

1. India is a democratic country and everyone has right of speech

          – But Kanna not against me

2. One must follow Gandhian principles

         – Me or my aides are not included in the “one”

3. Development is our motto and will work hard for it

         – Self development

4. I would like to be “In-touch” with you all

         – Let me win, I will be “Untouchable”

5. Reservation is a must for development

         – Otherwise I will not get a chance to win in election

6. This Govt. is a big failure

         – They don’t know how to loot the country

7. I have a very good political background

          – Just take a look at my last name

8. We will remove corruption from this country

          – I meant only money from here to my account in swiss bank

9. We will bring back money from Swiss banks

          – I have searched a new safety haven

10. Look at the statistics we have achieved great numbers

          – These are from my nephew’s homework. (Oh! it’s actually grandson or granddaughter, its my bad)

11. Our country had a great growth story under our government

          – Wait!! I am making up something new!

12. We have to change India, than we must change  our state: pakistan!

          – Oye teri! I meant Gujarat, no no Delhi,  no no Indonesia, what the hell which state am I in. (Few days back a famous politico did this kind of blunder and consequence of this, he had to run away from the venue)

13. I wasn’t watching porn, it was a documentary

         – I was watching a documentary on sex education, planning to introduce the same in our schools.(This is what a “Triple-Ex-Ministers” will blabber)

IPL 2012 Schedule

IPL 2012 is already making news, not because of cricket, but other news of Kochi binned-out and Pune’s (Sahara) quitting blackmail drama. But all the cricket & IPL enthusiasts here is the schedule for 2012. 53 days of cricket, hope all would be able to digest this long tournament.

IPL 2012 Schedule

Match Date Time (IST) Teams Venue
1 April 4 20:00 Chennai Super Kings (CSK) v Mumbai Indians (MI) MACS, Chennai
2 April 5 20:00 Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) v Delhi Daredevils (DD) Eden Gardens, Kolkata
3 April 6 16:00 MIv Pune Warriors (PW) Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
4 April 6 20:00 Rajasthan Royals (RR) v KXIP Sawai Mansingh Stadium, Jaipur
5 April 7 16:00 Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) v DD MCS, Bangalore
6 April 7 20:00 Deccan Chargers (DC) v CSK Visakhapatnam
7 April 8 16:00 RR v KKR Sawai Mansingh Stadium Jaipur
8 April 8 20:00 PW v Kings XI Punjab (KXIP) SRSS, Pune
9 April 9 20:00 DC v MI Visakhapatnam
10 April 10 16:00 RCB v KKR MCS, Bangalore
11 April 10 20:00 DD v CSK Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi
12 April 11 20:00 MI v RR Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
13 April 12 16:00 CSK v RCB MACS, Chennai
14 April 12 20:00 KXIP v PW PCAS, Chandigarh
15 April 13 20:00 KKR v RR Eden Gardens, Kolkata
16 April 14 16:00 DD v DC Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi
17 April 14 20:00 PW v CSK SRSS, Pune
18 April 15 16:00 KKR v KXIP Eden Gardens, Kolkata
19 April 15 20:00 RCB v PW MCS, Bangalore
20 April 16 20:00 MI v DD Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
21 April 17 16:00 RR v DC Sawai Mansingh Stadium, Jaipur
22 April 17 16:00 RCB v PW MCS
23 April 18 20:00 KXIP v KKR PCAS, Chandigarh
24 April 19 16:00 DC v DD venue TBC
25 April 19 20:00 CSK v PW MACS, Chennai
26 April 20 20:00 CSK v PW PCAS, Chandigarh
27 April 21 16:00 CSK v RR MACS, Chennai
28 April 21 20:00 DD v PW Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi
29 April 22 16:00 MI v KXIP Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
30 April 22 20:00 DC v KKR venue TBC
31 April 23 20:00 RR v RCB Sawai Mansingh Stadium, Jaipur
32 April 24 16:00 PW v DD SRSS, Pune
33 April 24 20:00 KKR v DC Eden Gardens, Kolkata
34 April 25 16:00 KXIP v MI PCAS, Chandigarh
35 April 25 20:00 RCB v CSK MCS, Bangalore
36 April 26 20:00 PW v DC SRSS, Pune
37 April 27 20:00 DD v MI Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi
38 April 28 16:00 CSK v KXIP MACS, Chennai
39 April 28 20:00 KKR v RCB Eden Gardens, Kolkata
40 April 29 16:00 DD v RR Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi
41 April 29 20:00 MI v DC Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
42 April 30 20:00 CSK v KKR MACS, Chennai
43 May 1 16:00 DC v PW RGIS, Uppal, Hyderabad
44 May 1 20:00 RR v DD Sawai Mansingh Stadium, Jaipur
45 May 2 20:00 RCB v KXIP MCS, Bangalore
46 May 3 20:00 PW v MI SRSS, Pune
47 May 4 20:00 CSK v DC MACS, Chennai
48 May 5 16:00 KKR v PW Eden Gardens, Kolkata
49 May 5 20:00 KXIP v RR PCAS, Chandigarh
50 May 6 16:00 MI v CSK Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
51 May 6 20:00 RCB v DC MCS, Bangalore
52 May 7 20:00 DD v KKR Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi
53 May 8 16:00 PW v RR SRSS, Pune
54 May 8 20:00 DC v KXIP RGIS, Hyderabad
55 May 9 20:00 MI v RCB Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
56 May 10 20:00 RR v CSK Sawai Mansingh Stadium, Jaipur
57 May 11 20:00 PW v RCB SRSS, Pune
58 May 12 16:00 KKR v MI Eden Gardens, Kolkata
59 May 12 20:00 CSK v DD MACS,  Chennai
60 May 13 16:00 RR v PW Sawai Mansingh Stadium, Jaipur
61 May 13 20:00 KXIP v DC PCAS, Chandigarh
62 May 14 16:00 RCB v MI MCS, Bangalore
63 May 14 20:00 KKR v CSK Eden Gardens, Kolkata
64 May 15 20:00 DD v KXIP Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi
65 May 16 20:00 MI v KKR Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
66 May 17 16:00 KXIP v CSK HP-CAS, Dharamsala
67 May 17 20:00 DD v RCB Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi
68 May 18 20:00 DC v RR RGIS, Uppal, Hyderabad
69 May 19 16:00 KXIP v DD HP-CAS, Dharamsala
70 May 19 20:00 PW v KKR SRSS, Pune
71 May 20 16:00 DC v RCB RGIS, Uppal, Hyderabad
72 May 20 20:00 RR v MI Sawai Mansingh Stadium, Jaipur
73 May 22 20:00 Qualifier 1 – TBC v TBC (1st v 2nd) Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
74 May 23 20:00 Eliminator – TBC v TBC (3rd v 4th) Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai
75 May 25 20:00 Qualifier 2 – TBC v TBC (Winner Eliminator v Loser Qualifier 1) MACS,  Chennai
76 May 27 20:00 Final – TBC v TBC MACS,  Chennai

*to limit this schedule, I have used abbreviations.