Dumbass owns a smartphone – Experience 1

Dumbass 1: Hello, Excuse me
I turn around to see Dumbass 1 driving a luxury car and flashing his brand new Apple iPhone 6 plus.
Me: Yes!
Dumbass 1: Can you direct me to xyz hotel.
Me: Oh, yes!(I hesitate a bit, I didn’t hear the word “Please” anywhere in his sentence)
Dumbass 1: how should I go (Still “Please” was missing, I was thinking to mock the hell out of this guy)
Me: Oh! you have got iPhone 6 Plus?
Dumbass 1: Yes, I bought it yesterday, it cost me a bomb.
Me: Amazing! What other features does it have? (now cost is also a feature, if its expensive its has niche features, if its low-cost it’s all basic features)
Dumbass 1: (Really excited, or thinking that he got a chance to boast about his knowledge of this amazing device) It has 6 inch display,4G, 8MP camera, 64GB Rom, GPS, bluetooth, NFC, blah…blah….. for few minutes.
Me: Wow! It has 4G! and it works amazing with abc network
Dumbass 1: Yes, I have even got 4G activated from abc network and it works like a breeze, when others struggle with download speed, this beauty does it in a flash.
Me: Hmm (looking quite impressed) so why can’t you use that brick to tell you directions?
Dumbass 1: what? brick? (with a surprised look)
Me: yeah! It’s a brick if you don’t know how to use it. It has GPS, 4G, etc.. but
Dumbass 1: but.. what?
Me: But, it’s not smartphones fault, it’s a great smart phone but its bought by a Dumbass!
Dumbass 1 is greatly humiliated by my words and people walking by and on the street side are laughing at his humiliation, I walk away with an evil smile.

Shitty Politics!!!!

The word politics meant “The art or science of governing an entity (nation, state,etc and its people) by bringing right policies for the greater good of the entity”, but in the modern world the word has got a completely different meaning, not its understood as “The art or science of deceiving and corrupting the entity for the greater good of the self”.

Many people have different views to word politics but the most prominent notion or understanding is completely drawn to the negative side. Here is some extracts from what a common person thinks

1. Dark diplomacy in chaotic crowd

2. Putting dumb people to rule over smart ones

3. Lies lies lies and more lies all to “protect the people”. (People stands for self and near and dear-ones)

4. Hippocratic behavior of an individual

5. Many Blood-Sucking Parasites (Poli – Tics)

Politics

6. Madmen ruling the Mango-men of the banana republic. (Politicians ruling the Aam Aadmi of India) (Aam has two meanings “Common and Mango”)

7. If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes Truth Politics

Politics

All these meanings or understanding of people is true to a great extent.But this Internet stuff explains it accurately:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Look out for more shitty stuff that roles out from the mouth of politicians around the globe!!!!!

Permanent Job Opening : Mom / Dad

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs money.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
Definitely, one could suffix  “Grand” to mom or dad say after 25 years (but some are lucky enough to get it within 15 years)
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required, unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGE S AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do… or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

AND A FOOTNOTE “THERE IS NO RETIREMENT — EVER!!!

Sachin Will Retire only if Mayan Prediction is True!!

Sachin Tendulkar, the Indian God of Cricket has spoken exclusively to our news correspondent Jhol Pandey(Half brother of Chulbul Pandey). Our news reporter was supposed to fly back to India from an “Air Australia”(AA) after completing live reporting of the World Kho Kho Cup (India bottomed out here too and Ireland won the trophy), but as AA went bankrupt, our correspondent decided to cover the Commonwealth Bank series, between India, Australia & Srilanka.  our correspondent luckily found Sachin in the airport trying to practice cricket on his iPad, with a game of Defend the Wicket (not the one between your legs).

This is what Sachin had to tell to our Jhol Pandey:

Jhol Pandey: You are currently going through a rough phase, many former cricketers want you to retire. How do you feel about your cricket.

Sachin: Yes, I am going through a rough phase, see I have been unable to defend my wicket for long time. But I am practicing hard to ensure that I don’t make mistakes. I am even practicing in this airport.

Jhol : But I thought you were playing a video game?!!

Sachin: See (Showing his iPad), I am honing my skills in Defend the Wicket, Most of our bowlers practice batting by playing this game.

Jhol: (Surprised) Does it really help?

Sachin: Yes it really does, take note of our most recent matches our teams tail have performed better than our top order. And there was someone back home who had commented “India’s best batsmen are the Bowlers”, so I am following a bowlers regime to safeguard my wicket.

Jhol: How do you rate MSD, captain of the team.

Sachin: He is cool, he so cool that he thinks he can win all the matches in last-minute. He is usually hungry when he lands up on the pitch eats away 20-30 balls, with this new-found cherry energy he takes on the bowlers.

Jhol: But is he successful all the time?

Sachin: Nope, 70% of the times we lose because he has eaten away lots of cherries and others don’t have enough cherries if he doesn’t click.

Jhol: What about performance of Shewag?

Sachin: He is very quick, he goes back to pavilion much faster than the delivery of Brett Lee.

Jhol: What about Gautam?

Sachin: He would be a very good fielding coach, he is good at practice catches and especially the ones at gully are lucky.

Jhol: How is Raina keeping up with this tour?

Sachin: He is learning a lot, especially how not to play in bouncy tracks, I would be happy to see him settled here rather than India. Atleast than he would be able to score of a bouncer.

It was fantastic that I found this pic, the one which I was thinking. Thanks to satish Acharya

Jhol: What about player rotations?

Sachin: MSD has thought about saving the Indian players from the gruelling schedules. And want them to perform in tough matches, Like in coming IPL

Jhol: How do you feel about Ponting being dropped  from Australian squad?

Sachin: I would request the Selectors of Australia to reconsider their decision, and also request them to handpick all the players who would play like Ponting.

Jhol: Why is that, was Ponting close to you?

Sahcin: Have seen the scores of Ponting in this ODI series, if all the 11 players have similar scores than Victory will be definitely ours, don’t you understand my plan. (Jhol is shocked with this fantastic plan)

Jhol: Are you planning to retire?

Sachin: I am very young, in fact younger than Rahul Gandhi, he is a youth Icon. And I can definitely play until Rahul is the youth icon of India.

Before Jhol could go further with his question, call for Sachin’s flight announced and he had to leave in a hurry, but promised to give some time for Jhol in future.

So here ends the edition of Bakwaas News, Jhol Pandey signing off.

Mom Change the Channel – III

From last few months I have been facing continuous torture of bearing the TV serials, Week days my mom who is hooked to TV and on Weekends its my sisters who watch them. That means I am the one who has to go through continuous head ache while I am at home. I had to watch some of this shit last week, due to my illness and issues with my lappy. I found a very interesting way to beat the torture, while I watched on episode, I gave a tag line to it. Here it is:

Bade Ache Lagthe Hain – Bade Bache Hain

Sasural Simar Ka – Par Pati Kaun Iska

Iss pyaar ko kya naam dhoon –  Sarr dard

Ruk Jaana Nahi – Wapas nahi aana

Pratigya – Dekhna nahi

Saathiya – Tumne kya kiya

Sasuraal Gendha Phool – Kaano Mein Lagao

Deeya Aur Baathi hum – Ladoo Wapas nahi karenge

Yeh rishta kya kehlatha hai – Jayez yaaa

Navya -Gayab ho ja

There are a few more, which I haven’t watched, but surely will update them soon.

Cigu: The Dangerous one!!

Recently government of India increased the restriction on presence of cigarettes in movies and here is the reaction of famous trio, Cigu, Beeru and Guttu.

Cigu: I am fed up with Govt. of India, they have suggested that I can’t act in any movie/if I do than a warning “Smoking is injurious to health” is mandatory. But they haven’t put up any restriction on your (Beeru & Guttu) usage, this is Bull Shit!!

Beeru: What do you mean!, we are not as dangerous as you are. You are responsible for millions of death, cancer and what not!! It’s a good measure to impose restriction on you.

Guttu: Beeru, you are right!!, Cigu is too too dangerous. Do you know he is the main cause of lung, mouth cancers and Asthma and heart attack as well.

Now Cigu is furious

Cigu: Beeru! you are telling this to me. You are the main reason for many accidents and death of innocent people. You ruin the future of small children, as their father’s are addicted to you. You cause such public nu-sense and encourage people to beat up their spouse & kids and murders, etc.

Ah! I forgot, you are the main reason for liver cancer. You make people to lose control and consciousness. But I am the one who is targeted by the Govt.

Cigu continues and turns his focus on Guttu: Guttu, you are a bastard. You are the main reason for mouth cancer and not me. Have you ever visited a Govt. office or public place your stains are everywhere. You are the most disgusting thing ever produced. you are the most hated among rich and famous. But me and my brothers are liked and enjoyed by one and all. We are found in every nook and corner of the world.

Note: Cigu’s brothers are cigar, hookah, Beedi, etc.

Cigu, continues:

I generate close to Rs.10,000 crore in form of taxes to govt. and still they treat me in this way. These policies are rubbish, you guys (mentioning to Beeru and Guttu) should be treated in same way as me.

Beeru: I generate more money than you and I have many contacts in Govt. Be cool someone will fight for you.

Guttu: As you said (Cigu), I maintain low profile and I am the last one to fall in problems.

Cigu: Well Aamir Khan is fighting for me. If he is not successful than I wish he drags you guys down to accompany me.

Beeru & Guttu: Don’t worry bro, if he is successful or not, we all have same motto
KILL THE CONSUMER